Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Completely Pointless Post of the Week

The 9 Most Unnecessary Greatest Hits Albums Ever
*Disclaimer: I did not write this article. I would give proper credit to the source but I have edited the article for cleanliness purposes.
A greatest hits album is an artist's testament to a long and prolific career. Or at least it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that pretty much anybody can release one, regardless of how few hits they actually have to their name. As evidence of this, we give you...

The window of time in which the world actually cared about Vanilla Ice was maybe a year, max. But as adored as he may have been for 52 weeks in 1990-1991, he was absolutely hated a million times more for about ten years after.
Best Moment: How do you pick just one? How about "Ninja Rap," a song whose "go ninja, go ninja, go!" evokes awesome visions of actual ninjas doing the running man, until you realize it's a song from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack?
Most Awesome User Review: "If you decide to buy this CD, wait patiently by the mail box till it arrives. Upon arrival, quickly open the box, then pull the security tape from the jewel case. Open the jewel case and place the CD in one hand. Break the CD in half, then slit your wrists with the remaining shards. As you begin to die look at your reflection in the mirror-like surface of the broken CD, and ask your self what you were thinking when you ordered this CD!"

The second sentence of Nelson's Wikipedia entry perfectly sums up the total lack of need for this "best of" collection to even exist: "They had a No. 1 hit in the United States with "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" during the week of September 29, 1990." Yep, for one week, these dudes were kings!
Best Moment:"Won't Walk Away," an about-as-awesome-as-Nelson-will-ever-get pop-rock cheese fest that answers the age old question, "what would it sound like if The Replacements were mutilated by Styx?"
Most Awesome User Review: "Nelson's powerful melodic sound was the logical follow up to the Journey/Foreigner/Loverboy arena rock sound of the 80's. NELSON ROCKS! There, I said it."

Fact: kids have horrendous taste in music. They don't know any better. In light of this, we don't care how many "hits" this kid may or may not have had as a result of catering to the 8 and under demographic (we didn't check). We are grown folks talking about grown up music and we say this kid makes the list. Most requested hits? Requested by who?
Best Moment: "That's How I Beat Shaq," in which a 15-year-old white kid tells his friends how he met Shaquille O'Neal on a playground and schooled him in a game of one on one. In the end though, it turns out to be a dream!! We didn't see that coming, yo!
Most Awesome User Review: "A greatest hits collection from the greatest EVER!!! A.C. gets his props as all of his illustrious hits are presented in Dolby 5.1 surround sound!!! WORD. Don't sleep on Aaron Carter, although the omission of "Stride (Jump on the Fizzy) is inexcusable."

Color Me Badd actually had 5 top 20 singles between 1991 and 1992. A couple of them even made it to #1. So why shouldn't they have released a greatest hits album? For starters, try naming one of those top 20 singles that isn't "I Wanna Sex You Up." On a slightly unrelated side bar, Wikipedia notes that for the band's fourth album, Now & Forever, "sales were well below those expected from the group, with initial sales of only 32 units in the U.S." There are no sources cited, and that could be a typo, if not, that's the saddest thing we've ever read.
Best Moment: We really can't say enough about "Sexual Capacity." If ever a pan flute was used with sexier results, we'd be astounded. We were kind of shocked just to hear one being used somewhere other than a Zamfir: Master of the Pan Flute commercial or a Kung-Fu flick, actually.
Most Awesome User Review: "Some nights before I go to bed, I say my prayers and simply stare at my gorgeous self in the mirror. I thank the heavens I look like I do and ask for things like a White Lion reunion tour or Grim Reaper at my four year old's birthday party. Usually, my requests go unanswered. That was, until this CD came out."

Drop the "s" off the end of the album title and release it as a two track CD single featuring "Wild Thing" and "Funky Cold Medina" and you'd have a perfectly legitimate Tone Loc greatest hits collection. Notice that the title "Wild Thing & Other Hits" suggests that somebody is afraid people may have forgotten the name of "the guy who sang 'Wild Thing' back in the 80's." That's probably a valid concern.
Best Moment: When Vanilla Ice stole the bass line from Queen's "Under Pressure" for his sole hit "Ice Ice Baby," he was taken to court. Tone Loc did the same thing twice on almost equally huge songs. "Wild Thing," which sampled Van Halen's "Janie's Cryin'" and "Funky Cold Medina" which sampled Kiss' "Christine Sixteen," both without permission fromthe respective bands, resulted in zero lawsuits. Further proof that the world hates Vanilla Ice.
Most Awesome User Review (Tie):
1. "Loc's production was ultra-smooth and he had lyrical help-- "Funky Cold Medina" and "Wild Thing" are still some of the smartest (and funniest) lyrics in rap, and were penned by none other than Will Smith (the Fresh Prince)."
2. "This guy who typed that Will Smith penned wild thing and funky cold medina obviously does not know what he is talkin about. They were written by Young MC."

Soulless, borderline-offensive-to-the-genre blues songs performed by rich white men are an art form loved by dozens. Bruce Willis (or Bruno, as he's called by graying lame-os who prefer their blues served with a heaping side of financially stable) actually has FOUR best-of collections. Ultimately, we settled on "The Master Series" because of the awesome title and super gay album cover.
Best Moment: At the 2:03 mark of an up-to-that-point less-than-lively rendition of "Under the Boardwalk," Bruce unexpectedly shouts "Yipee-ki-yay!!!" and launches into a searing blues rock guitar solo. Ok, not really. There are no good moments to be found anywhere on this CD.
Most Awesome User Review: "according to me this record is a very good one because of his very well managed sound and ability to resume in an only one record so much good music!"

As sketchy as our memory tends to be, we would still probably recall if there was a time when John Tesh was tearing up the pop charts, kicking the likes of Prince and Madonna to and fro with his killer synthesizer riffs and complex wind chime arrangements.
Best Moment: The scarily titled "One World." With its march of war percussion and tension filled strings, if this isn't the theme song to an alien invasion, we don't know what is.
Most Awesome User Review:"ONE WORLD--Do I spot allusions to X-FILES?"

Putting an actual musician with a huge hit and stone hip-hop classic to his credit ("Bust A Move") ahead of the likes of Hudson Hawk on a list of the most ridiculous greatest hits albums of all time may seem like a curious choice, but this is as far from a greatest hits or best of collection as it gets. In fact, "The Best of Young MC" is really just his first album with a different title, a different albumcover and three fewer songs. You heard me: three fewer songs.
Best Moment: At this point, we don't have the heart tomake fun of Young MC anymore. The best moment is "Bust A Move."
Most Awesome User Review: "In the song "Bust A move" Young MC makes a song that might be one of the greatest Hip-Hop songz of all time. He was also one of the first Black Man to ever be on the top of the charts, also Tone Loc. "my Name is young" is another one of Youngs greatest songs where he talks about who he is, and why his rap name is Young MC and that is cause his last name is Young and he also says that when he started he was Young (10 yrs Old) so they called him Young MC."

It's not that Shaq didn't have a lot of hits; it's that he didn't have any hits. None. Have you seen Kazaam? It's better than every single song on this album. Despite this lack of success, Shaquille O'Neal was the basketball rap pioneer who paved the way for every baller with a shoe contract and a dream to release an album in the mid to late 90s, eventually leading to the doomsday scenario of "K.O.B.E.," a lyrically retarded single by Kobe Bryant featuring Tyra Banks. Thanks, punk.
Best Moment: "Biological Didn't Bother (G-Funk version)," a love song dedicated to the dude who married Shaq's mom, set to the type of mid-90s west coast hip hop groove normally reserved for far less gay topics. Inexplicably, it's on the album twice.
Most Awesome User Review:"Usually people are only lucky enough to be given one truly great talent. Shaq was blessed with two. In fact, he's even better at music than basketball. The songs on The Best Of Shaq move me - some to the point of tears. This Best Of will hold a special place on my cd shelf - right next to The Best Of David Hasselhoff. My only wish now is that Shaq's next album will be one where he just does love songs. It could be called "Love Shaq."


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Whether or not you pirated someone elses post, I absolutely loved it. Now I know why Demi left Bruce. It all makes sense!

  3. Oh wow. WOWOWOW. That was so funny it brought tears to my eyes. My favorite by far is the Amazon review of Vanilla Ice followed in a close second by the review for Shaq. SO FUNNY!

  4. lol, WTF. who cares if you "cleaned it up for content" or whatever silliness entailed before you posted this. At least you don't take credit, but that's no reason not to give credit where credit is due (Adam Brown, written on


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