Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Worst Christmas Songs, Part II

Last year I listed my top least favorite Christmas songs. This year I've decided to post something along those lines but a little different.

We all love Christmas music. It reminds us of eggnog and fire places and cinnamon and hugs and little children singing. We love the Eartha Kitt and Frank Sinatra classics. Even some of the bubbly pop Christmas songs. But everyone who has ever recorded music, and some that should never have in the first place, feels it is their duty to bring us a Christmas album. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. To demonstrate my point, I give you:

15 Completely Unnecessary/Shocking Christmas Albums

If you ever wondered what a Christmas album would sound like from the pack-a-day cashier at the local truck stop, this is the album for you.

Most country artists have Christmas albums. That's no shocker. But Toby Keith? Christmas with whiskey and cigars ya'll!! American Christmas kicks %@*! Red and green forever!!

I personally don't like either Kenny Rogers or Dolly Parton's music. Plus, I'm completely creeped out by this album cover.

As the song states: "Instead of turkey we’ll have mahi mahi grillin’, And pina colodas in the blender chillin’". I'm pretty sure Kenny's 365-day beachy tan is either from a bottle or the tanning salon. We're over the beach phase. Pick a new genre.

"This lavish holiday set has been called the greatest rock and roll Christmas album of all time." It's true. Nobody says Merry Christmas like a convicted murderer.

Their O Come all ye Faithful is set to the melody of "We're not gonna take it". In case we all forgot what song made them famous.

There's nothing blatantly weird about this album. Just that it's probably the most useful thing she's ever done with her talent. It's the only album she's produced that can be listened to by people with any amount of moral fiber and not feel tainted.

Amazon Review: "A good antidote to Mariah or Christina, but if you're here, you probably know that anyway."

It sounds like "Christmas with the Karate Kid ". I'm not lying. Go listen to the clips.

The only reason a Christmas CD should ever have a parental advisory warning label is if there's a song called "Santa Claus isn't real!!". 16 of the 16 songs have [explicit] lyrics. You will have a very special place in hell if this gets you in the holiday spirit.

Amazon Review: "If you try to stay still while listening to this collection you'll hurt yourself!" I think I'd hurt myself regardless.

John Tesh has not 1 but 8 Christmas albums. Why buy the Best Of when you could have 8 different ways to make you want to stick needles in your eyes?

The other album in this series is called "It's a Denny's Thanksgiving."

Did Billy Idol even play the piano? "The best excuse for the existence of this album we could come up with was that he owed a bookie money."

Amazon review: "David Hasselhoff + Christmas = magic... It's a magic that only exists between Hasselhoff, his fans, and his Trans Am. Give this CD to a non-christian friend and watch them forsake their religion, their family, and their country." Either for Christianity or Hasselhoff worship, not really sure which one this guy is talking about.


  1. I love your reviews, whatever the reviews are for... and your 2nd annual Christmas reviews didn't disappoint!

  2. Kelley.
    You are the awesomest person I know.
    That is all.

  3. I'm really creeped out by John Tesh. Always have been. His picture he solidifies that for me.

  4. Kenny Chesney presents: All I want for Christmas are some sleeves for my shirts.

  5. Germans love David Hasselhoff and Christmas!


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